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The Great DeceiverPosted Tuesday, November 25, 2008, at 3:42 PM
We began dating last year after he saw me at the shoe store, where I was working part time. A relative of his was a co-worker of mine.
A bouquet of red roses and carnations in a red and silver ceramic ornament arrived a few days later.
The card read, "I saw your smile the other day and can't quit thinking about it." His name and phone number were at the bottom.
He proclaimed early in the relationship not to be looking for anything serious. I am not sure what serious relationships entail, but I was happy.
Our schedules were chaotic. I was holding down two jobs. He works full time and is a single father. It didn't matter if we were just hanging at the park with his son or catching a late movie, we worked hard at spending time together.
Whether we were going to the local park, Holiday World or Turkey Run I would purchase a disposable camera. For Father's Day, I presented him with a picture frame containing a photograph I took of him and his son both wearing sunglasses. The frame was inscribed "Dad and Me." He loved it.
The next month was my birthday and he gave me a digital camera complete with a memory card and extra batteries. It was perfect.
Over time, he endeared me with nicknames such as sweetie and honey. He would call to say "hi" or just to see how my day went even though most of the time it was to my voicemail.
The biggest challenge in our relationship was when he moved one and half-hours from Vincennes. He assured me that I was invited to stay anytime I wanted.
"If you want to leave things here (at his house), you are more than welcome," he told me.
For two months, I made the long drive more than once per week. (This was when gas was at its highest. He would help with gas money so I could make these visits.)
Then, I received my job in Greencastle, cutting my drive to 30 minutes. Being geographically closer didn't make spending time together any easier. My current work schedule makes it difficult to know when I will be done.
One night, our plan was for me to cook a spaghetti dinner. I was running late and when I finally arrived, a card with a pile of Dove chocolate was on the coffee table waiting for me. The card let me know he thought of me with a smile.
Last week he mentioned vacation time he has to take before losing it. He suggested trying to spend a few days together.
"Do you think you could pencil me in," he asked.
I replied, "I will use ink."
We laughed.
I was blissfully unaware the next day would be the end.
It happened when he allowed me to borrow his new cell phone for the weekend. This fancy gadget contained every imaginable tool to keep my life organized. It also contained secrets certain to destroy my trust in him.
While playing with the phone at his house, I discovered text messages to another female. He had told me the night before his parents visited and his mother made spaghetti.
It wasn't his mother's spaghetti in the refrigerator.
As I read and re-read the messages, my heart wanted to believe there was a very good explanation. He would never do this to me!
I set the phone down, took deep breaths and ran into the bathroom to throw up. I stood unsteadily from the floor and collected my thoughts.
Anger started to build as fast as I could gather my things from the closet and bathroom.
He was at work. I couldn't bother him there, but I couldn't wait eight hours for the truth. I called and left a voicemail.
Soon the phone rang.
I confronted him with the information. He questioned where my accusations were coming from. I told him how I found the messages on the phone he lent me.
"Good keep looking," he said.
I looked over at the pile of things beside me on the couch and knew I was making the right decision to leave.
"I will call you after work," he promised.
I mumbled, "O.K. Bye."
I left his phone on the coffee table, carted my things to the car and locked the front door.
As I was preparing to call my best friend, he called back.
"I am going to be upfront with you," he began, "But I told you I wasn't looking for anything serious. If you are, then I am not your guy."
I told him not to call or try to talk to me.
His reply was, "O.K."
He breached my trust and all he can offer is two letters. There was no attempt to apologize for doing something to hurt me so badly.
His disclaimer from a year ago left me holding the pieces of my heart.
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Shannen Hayes is the newest addition to the Banner Graphic staff. She joined us on Oct. 13, 2008.
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Men look at things differently than women. He told you upfront that he didn't want anything serious, but then he sent you all kinds of mixed messages. He is kind, understanding, sensitive. You are thinking this relationship is definitely going somewhere. Then you get the bomb dropped on you. He probably saw himself as being a nice guy -- to two women. He was getting the best of everything.
It really sucks for it to happen at the holidays, but it's better that you know. I've been through it several times, and it never gets easier. Heartbreak is heartbreak.
I'm really sorry and I hope you find that really special guy.
I don't really get it. But do you have a fancy hat like Jared's yet? Perhaps you should buy a nice hat to change your luck.
OMG how old are you? Do you really think I give a rats behind about a young adults love life. Give me something with substance. Is that all you guys have at this time? Rub some dirt on it.
Ms. Hayes,
You are obviously a sweet and beautiful young lady.
It is unfortunate that you have learned the hard way that many men are simply pigs and do not always think with the head that is above the neck.
Please view this as an opportunity.
You have the opportunity to take things a little slower now and hopefully find true love.
Keep your chin up and continue to be the sweet woman you are--I'm certain you will find the right guy sooner rather than later.
With very best regards.
Ms. Hayes,
You are obviously a sweet and beautiful young lady.
It is unfortunate that you have learned the hard way that many men are simply pigs and do not always think with the head that is above the neck.
Please view this as an opportunity.
You have the opportunity to take things a little slower now and hopefully find true love.
Keep your chin up and continue to be the sweet woman you are--I'm certain you will find the right guy sooner rather than later.
With very best regards.
From what is stated in this letter you BOTH agreed to NOTHING SERIOUS, am i correct?? Then how can you blame a guy that was upfront with you about wanting nothing serious, whenyou find out he has another woman. He was basically doing what you ghuys agreed upon, so where is the fault in what the guy did, I know where it is IT BELONGS to YOU.
you have to look at it this way. he said nothing serious. you took it another way. as my child says cross the bridge and get over it.
My wife(of many years) and I were watching a sitcom at home during supper. A handsome young singer (Enricae Heglasshouse or something like that) was guest starring on the show. He was given a bowl of soup by a good looking lady who was smitten by his looks.
In a heavy spanish accent, he said to her, "Thank you for this soup. I hope it nourishes my body, like your beauty nourishes my soul."
The girl melted in front of him and could barely walk away.
I turned to my wife and said "yeah right, like that really works". When I looked at her she too, was melting at the "line of bs" he just threw out. I laughed and kidded her about being smitten by it like the gal on TV. To the guy saying it, it is bs, to women hearing it, it is romantic.
As we were cleaning up the table, I grabbed her by the shoulders, looked her in the eye, and said, "Thank you for that delicious meal, I hope it nourishes my body like your beauty nourishes my soul". She grabbed me and hugged me and planted a big kiss on me.
My point is, men are masters at bs and women are suckers for romance. The hard part for you women is to know the dirrerence between the two.
Xgamer... the accent played a part in your wife's case. What woman doesn't like a good Aussie or Spanish man talking, it can be romantic or b.s. We can turn into fantasy mode and dream that man is speaking to us.
Young and dumb fall harder. But learn to have a electric fence around their hearts so someone can't squash it again. This poor girl heard what was expected of the relationship, fantasized it could become something else.
By the why, you yourself are a hot ticket. Speaking with people out in public a lot of women dig you. You are voted "Hottest Man To Have A Cup Of Coffee With".
Shannen (yeah, I spelled it like we used to when we were little)...
I'm sorry that this dude broke your heart! He sucks!
I hope that you are feeling better now. Keep your chin up...you've always been a great person. You'll find Mr. Right someday!
First off, I have met Ms. Hayes. Secondly, I met her through my best friend since the third grade, which so happens to be the same fellar this article is talking about. I know this for a fact. Now with that both said I have to say my comment is biased towards my friend. He was fresh out of a marriage that to this day is still eating at him. His ex wife has many issues, as do all of us, and he has taken the blunt of her many devious acts. Needless to say, he has issues with women at the moment. He has stated to me, to other women he has talked to, and anyone that questions him that he is not looking for anything serious, AT ALL!!! This comment he has been making before Ms. Hayes, after her, and to this day.... Now Shannen, I'm sorry if you were hurt and I mentioned to him many times that you seemed like a keeper and his only response was that "I'm not looking for anything serious." I pride myself to be a pretty good judge of character and Shannen I noticed good character in you but he is not "The Great Deceiver" as you so elegantly put it, but rather he is a man scorn and has gaurded himself. At what point in our society did we stop looking at small gifts, candys, and such as nothing more than a kind offering of friendship and started looking at it as the catalyst for a relationship. At what point did we lose the abiity to have friends of the opposite sex that cooks, helps, or talks to us once and awhile without the thought of sex, deception, and/or foul play clouding our minds. At what point did society get so bad and are we are able to reverse our way of thinking. I certainly hope so. Again, Shannen I'm sorry for your heartache but he is no deceiver of women. I chaulk it all up to mis and non communication. Just my opinion obviously and feel free to bag it, cause that's your opinion also....
Your going to bang on a hard working and single father? Get on with your life. No one wants to read about your failed love life nor does anyone care.
Although I don't consider myself to be the great deceiver I am the person she is talking about in this blog. I would have to say that this story is very accurate except for one thing. She says I told her at the beginning that I did not want a relationship. That is true but I also told her that other times as well. So I put my disclaimer up more than once. Second off I sometimes don't understand women. She told me not to try and call or to talk to her. So that is exactly what I did. I now read the story and it sounds like even though she told me that I was still suppose to try and call to say im sorry.
This is how I feel about this Shannen. I do not believe all of this was my fault since I told you more than once I didn't want a serious relationship. I will admit though that it is partially my fault. I saw that you where getting close. The right thing for me to do maybe was to just stop seeing you altogether before you got hurt. So I take partial blame and im sorry for hurting you. I never meant for that to happen at all. At the time we met I was barely separated from my ex wife and I was going through a lot at the time. I couldn't sit down and listen to a song from beginning to end. I always found my mind wondering off on how upset I was with the court system and how unfair it is to fathers. (If anybody reading this wants to disagree with me then have Shannen give you my number and I will prove to you that it is.) I was not mentally capable of having a serious relationship. I would like to thank you though because you definitely made the hardest parts of a divorce a lot easier. Whenever we were hanging out I didn't think about the divorce at all. You have no idea how much you helped. I hope this don't make me sound like I was using you. If it wasn't for you it would have been a lot worse and harder for me. People asked how we were doing. I told everybody the same thing. If I met you a couple of years from now I think things would have worked great between us. You are fun to hangout with. You gave me my space when I needed it. You didn't call up several times a day and bug me. You seem to be a low maintenance women which I greatly appreciate. My divorce is now over and I can now listen to a song from beginning to end. I can now watch a movie without getting distracted.
If you would like to hang out again I would love to. I want the whole entire world to know that I am still putting my disclaimer up. Im not looking for a serious relationship. I will say that now my head is a lot less cloudy and maybe I am ready for a relationship. Only one way to find out I guess.