'Jeopardy' nightmare

Sometimes I come close to running the board, depending on the categories. My strengths are U.S. presidents, state capitals, sports, geography, movies of the 1930s and 40s -- and a wide range of otherwise useless trivia.

Occasionally, I've toyed with the idea of taking the preliminary steps to become a contestant. But any thought of actually doing that is tempered by my recurring "Jeopardy" nightmare. I had it again one recent evening when I dozed off during the show.

It goes something like this:

Announcer Johnny Gilbert proclaims, "This is Jeopardy! Let's meet tonight's contestants -- a longtime newspaper editor originally from Putnam County, Indiana, Larry Gibbs; A brain surgeon from New York City, Dr. Edith Knows-Everything, and our returning champion, a biochemical engineer from Silicon Valley, California, Dr. Hugo Brainiac.

"And now, here's the star of 'Jeopardy,' Alex Trebek!"

Trebek comes out and says, "Thank you, Johnny. Welcome to our returning champion and our two challengers. Let's take a look at the categories for 'Jeopardy.'

"We have Portuguese architecture, opera, nuclear fission, rap music, fashion and, finally, Nigerian slang words."

Sweating profusely, I wonder silently what the heck happened to state capitals.

At the end of round one, Dr. Brainiac and Dr. Knows-Everything are tied at $10,500.

"Larry is at MINUS $4,000 but the good news is he'll go first in Double Jeopardy," Trebek says.

During the commercial break stage assistants wring the sweat out of my suit coat and admonish the studio audience to stop laughing. I hear Trebek ask the judges, "How did this guy ever get on the show?"

I desperately need U.S. presidents or movies of the 1930s.

No such luck.

The taping resumes and Trebek recites the categories for Double Jeopardy: Icelandic mythology, microorganisms, rap music II, Russian words that end in 'ujte,' camel breeds and, finally, poets of the 16th century.

I was well on the way to setting an all-time record for a negative money total when Sam's cold nose nudged me awake. I glanced toward the TV just as Trebek was about to reveal the Final Jeopardy clue under "sports greats."

"This 1927 Yankee was the first man to hit 60 home runs in a season."

Before I could react, Sam blurted, "Woof Ba Ruuuf? (Who was Babe Ruth?)"

Darn it, Sam, I could have gotten that one.