Internet and alcohol

That's not to say that I don't have a TV. I have 2. What I don't have is a TV that receives channels. I don't have cable, and I also don't have an antenna. I can't watch TV.

This is not really a problem for me. I don't watch a lot of shows. The ones I do watch are, for the most part, available online. The biggest issue with this is my inability to watch live sports.

I very much enjoy watching live sports. It's among my favorite things. This is fixable as well. Many sports are broadcast online these days.

My real problem is that I don't have Internet. If I lived in the Groundhog Day world, forced to live the same day over and over again, and I had to choose between getting TV and getting Internet, I would choose Internet every time*.

Why don't I just call up the Internet factory and order myself some Internet, you ask?

I did. Here's what they told me: Because I live where I live (Bainbridge), and because there are already so many people in the region that have Internet**, if they were to provide me with Internet, it would slow down everyone else.

I do not fault their logic. It's much better to have one frustrated (prospective) customer than hundreds*** of frustrated (actual) customers.

But logic does not solve my problem. I want Internet.

Thus far, my plan has been to share with (read: steal from) my generous (read: foolish) neighbors who don't have a protective password. This, obviously, saves me money. But it's slow and inconsistent and possibly immoral.

The most generous of these neighbors is the bar across the street. I also feel best about sharing with them, because there is a direct way for me to show my gratitude.

I steal their Internet, therefore I must give them money. (They also give me cheap vodka and carbonated water.) The guiltier I feel, the more I contribute to their business.

I am still working on a complete system, but thus far it is I try to contribute directly to my bandwidth usage. If I check my Facebook, I buy a beer on $1 Tuesday. When I watch a YouTube video, I order a well drink. The night I downloaded a movie on iTunes is kind of a blur.

This is obviously not ideal. For the time being, I don't see any other choice. I want Internet, therefore I must drink.

(*)I would also become a world-class darts and billiards player.

(**)Bainbridge, Ind. -- Pop. 746

(***)Possibly dozens