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Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Keeping cold on a hot dayPosted Monday, July 9, 2012, at 2:07 PM
When I left for work last Thursday afternoon (11 days ago), all was right with the world. You know, aside from the steamy hot weather, the wildfires threatening my family in Colorado and the ongoing absence of precipitation.
When I got home (at 1:50 a.m.) all was not right. My apartment was a balmy 96 degrees. By Friday afternoon the needle within the thermostat had buried itself well into the mechanism, meaning the temperature was wresting somewhere over 100.
This made for an unpleasant few days.
To counteract this I made a trip to air-conditioned sanctuary of Family Video and searched for some of the coldest movies I could find. Logic says that if I watch people shivering in a movie it will make me cold, too (It works for watching people cry).
These movies seem like they would be good choices, but have a few inherent flaws that keep them off the list.
Reason it makes you chilly: The movie is about a boat sailing through frozen seas and crashing into a large chunk of ice. Most of the characters are wearing jackets when they're outside, signifying that they might be chilly. In the penultimate scene, as Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet float in the icy seas, with frozen bodies crashing about in the flotsam, Kate breaks Leo's literally frozen-solid hand.
Inherent flaw: All of this comes after the steamy, sweaty love scene in the car. Plus it's super long, which means sitting in the heat for longer.
RIMYC: (I've heard) It takes place in Russia, a country renowned for it's ability to (I've heard) be cold year round.
Inherent flaw: I've never seen this movie because it is old and (I've heard) Russian.
RIMYC: It gets so cold in the mountains while the Cullen Clan and the werewolf pack are fighting against the Victoria and the newborns she created that frigid Edward can't even complain when Bella cuddles up with steamy Jacob to stay warm.
Inherent flaw: I mean, I heard that . . . My ex girlfriend was telling me about it . . . Umm . . .
The Day After Tomorrow
RIMYC: Every aspect of this film is dedicated to making the world appear frozen and desolate and hopelessly cold.
RIMYC: A plane full of soccer players crashes in the icy mountains where food is so scarce they have no choice but to eat each other.
Inherent flaw: The soccer players are from South America, which I associate with being hot.
RIMYC: A bunch of Jamaican guys (and the hilarious John Candy) run around in Canada looking cold. At various points their hair freezes solid and they pelt each other with snow balls. There is even a part where they sit inside an ice cream truck freezer.
Inherent flaw: I think it's a Disney movie, so there are lots of those scenes designed to make you shiver and get all goosebumpy, which makes you hot, which is the enemy. Plus they're in Jamaica for half of the film.
Coming tomorrow: the Top 11
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