Bullying: a case of boys will be boys?

Our son has come home more times then I wish to remember very upset by kids picking on him. I have talked to the school, they say something to the bully,it helps for a few days and then goes right back to the same old thing. We have also talked to the parents which deny that their child would do anything like that.Why can't kids just get along or atleast keep their mouths shut and go on about their own business. I have taught my kids to not make fun of anyone else but how do I keep teaching that when they get picked on day after day?

If there's one thing that I know, bullying isn't "boys will be boys." In fact, most of the bullying I endured while in school was from girls. Why? Because I was quiet and kept to myself and for kids with poor self-esteem, narcissistic and other personality disorders and problems at home I was a perfect target. As a child growing up it's hard to understand that your peers are abusing you because they don't feel good about themselves. It's life altering and the child usually ends up with their own self-esteem problems or turns to lashing out into adulthood. And to think of the abuse their own children will go through is heart wrenching.

I completely agree that school administrators need to wake up. Let's face it, one school counselor is NOT enough to combat these problems. If they knew how often the abuse went on, how many were sexually or physically abused at home they'd have been appalled. I know of the four years at SP the school counselor only spoke with me once during my senior year about school and home life and by that time the damage had already been done but just hearing her words "It's not your fault" was life-altering. By the time I got into the work force I became a prime target by abusive managers until one day I finally snapped and told the abuser just how evil she really was. As she sat in tears listening to me tell her how she makes me and others feel I realized she was just a miserable person with a personality disorder. But it took more than 22 years for me to get the courage up to do such a thing and it didn't just give me anxiety and panic disorder but it also made me a very cynical individual. It's not as easy as saying "suck it up" but when such a situation occurs it is empowering. It shouldn't have to get to that point, however.

Instead of investing millions on sports I think we should take that money and invest it into the well-being of the children. Is playing basketball going to affect their life as much as having a counselor available to talk to them about their abuse at home and school? Absolutely not. Abused children often grow up to continue the cycle of behavior if they don't receive the therapy and training they need.

I've heard numerous people who probably never endured bullying in all their time (likely because they were the bully) say that creating therapy and help to combat bullying is a waste of money, we need to teach our children to "have some guts." Try teaching that to a kid who goes to school every day getting beat up, gum put in their hair, rumors spread and degraded on a daily basis. You can't teach an abused dog not to be afraid of a raised hand and if you do, the only result is violence. Some children with anxiety/panic disorder, home abuse, etc. simply can not employ the tactics of confrontation. It shouldn't have to just be about the kid learning to confront people but it should also be about the abuser being stopped.

The fact is that this issue is a LOT deeper than telling a kid to get some guts, it starts at home and at school and we should be investing far more in our children's well being than in whether or not they can dribble a ball. Until these priorities are straight and we address all of the issues, this tragedy will continue to happen.

Yes it all does start at home when the parents do not punish kids anymore. There is nothing that a nice little swat on the butt cannot solve.

Setting aside teachers for a moment, who really have a lot of other things to do and, in a big city school setting, the bullies are often tough gang members with a propensity to violence, how about the bully's father and the coach of the team. You mean to tell me they did not know what a s**t he was. "Victim" my foot. They know and often encourage it. That behavior can be casually observed. "Trash talk" and physical bullying have been tolerated and encouraged by coaches and practiced by athletes, first in the pros and then at all levels as younger athletes emulate it. It demeans the players and the games themselves. Probably was a good hitter. Ironic, is it not, that he died by the bat? In Indiana, there is a defense to that. In fact, it is a crime to provoke someone beyond reason.

Greetings;

A big thanks to Mr. Coates for his article on bullying in the schools. Although I didn't see the Oprah show, I'm aware from personal experience that bullying is a serious problem in this country. Many people don't realize that the emotional harm done by bullying, which is a form of psychological abuse, can equal the emotional damage done by rape, torture, war and other forms of sexual and physical abuse.

In 2004 I became the target of a workplace bully at my place of employment, Saint Alphonsus Regional Medical Center in Boise, Idaho. St. Alphonsus is a part of the Trinity Health system. After more than 2 and a half years of being bullied I had to resign and find a safer working environment. In the meantime I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and had become partially disabled by the bullying. Fortunately I sought treatment early and was able to completely regain my normal function after leaving that toxic work environment.

I appreciate Mr Coates encouraging those who are the victims of bullies to report it. However in the workplace that doesn't necessarily help. Although a professional at my place of employment diagnosed me as being injured there with PTSD, nothing was done to address the problem and protect me from additional injury. The treatment I received after reporting the injury to my emplyer I had to get myself. The medical center did not offer me any treatment for PTSD.

When I reported the PTSD injury to different members of management, which I did numerous times over a period of nearly two years, the responses I received were orders to not talk about the injury with my co-workers and to lie about the injury if anyone asked. The employee relations manager responded to one report, reminding him of the PTSD injury, by threatening to terminate me and the Respiratory Care Department manager, the dept. where I worked, claimed that the injury was "petty." At no time did anyone in management actually respond addressing the injury.

You would think that if any employer would address bullying and its health and safety threats to people in the community it would be a medical center, but not Saint Alphonsus. I know of others who had similar experiences there so my ordeal was not unique. I've been told that this is a problem throughout the entire Trinity Health system, and a comnplaint about the bullying and subsequent negligent and unresponsive management I sent to a vice-president at Trinity Health, which was ignored, confirms that report.

I have more information about my experience in an April 11 entry on my blog at www.leonardnolt.blogspot.com and will be adding another within the next two weeks.

Again my thanks to Mr. Coates for his aritcle.

Leonard Nolt

leonardnolt@aol.com