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Sunday, May 19, 2013
New beginnings in '08Posted Wednesday, December 26, 2007, at 7:25 PM
Maybe Kelvin should get a Tracfone...
We'll start right here in our lovely home state and then move on down the line.
Jamal Tinsley -- Stay away from strippers and guns.
Marvin Harrison -- Get a new team physician. They've been saying you were ready to go since the New England game, yet you haven't seen the field yet.
Bill Lynch -- If Cam Cameron or Gerry DiNardo calls with advice, DO THE OPPOSITE!
Kelvin Sampson -- Stay off the phone.
And now we'll expand the focus a little bit.
The University of Kentucky -- Find out what Tubby Smith's doing these days.
George Mitchell -- Be sure you can prove accusations before you make them.
Roger Clemens -- Hire some more lawyers.
A-Rod -- Get an agent with a better sense of timing.
Terrell Owens -- Whatever resolution you made last year, make the same one again this time.
Michael Vick -- Beware of new cellmates!
Bill Parcells -- Get a quarterback someone has heard of and fire the aforementioned Cameron.
Bobby Bowden -- Recruit some good citizens.
David Stern -- Concentrate on ridding your game of gambling scandals, not on dress codes and basketballs made of space-age polymers.
Bud Selig -- Admit you were part of the problem and then choose to move forward.
Isiah Thomas -- Look into becoming the head coach for the Argentine Olympic team. That way, the U.S. will be a lock for the '08 gold medal.
Stephon Marbury -- Concentrate more on producing low-cost athletic shoes and less on being an all-out jerk.
Tony Romo -- Try not to let the Jessica affair become Tom Brady/Bridget Moynahan part II.
Ricky Williams -- Why don't you make the same resolution you've been making for the last eight years? It always goes up in smoke anyway.
Bobby Petrino, Nick Saban and Rich Rodriguez -- Try to be holding down the same job in January 2009 that you have in January 2008.
With those out of the way, I'll move on to myself. I'm resolving what I always do: to lose weight and to proofraed bettter.
Happy New Year, people!
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Jared Jernagan is a 2003 graduate of Wabash College and has been in journalism since 2005. Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz and Lucille LeSueur have never been in his kitchen.