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Saturday, Aug. 27, 2016

I hate those trees

Posted Wednesday, June 9, 2010, at 2:18 AM

Pine trees are certainly beautiful ... from a distance.
I like to pride myself as being an environmentally conscious kind of guy. I recycle everything I can. Around the house, I try to conserve as much electricity, water and natural gas as I can. (Of course, this could also have a lot to do with always being short on cash.)

Overall, I try to live a sustainable life.

But ever since I became a homeowner, try as I may, I can't bring myself to love trees.

Now, I wouldn't say it's trees in general that are the problem, so much as it's the specific trees in my yard. Our property, which isn't an overly large lot, has a total of six pine trees standing on it. Based on the stumps around, I'd estimate there were at least 10 at one time. Just across the property line to the back, there is also a ginormous maple tree.

Now, it's not the trees specifically that are the problem, so much as the havoc they wreak on everything around them.

The grass and the smaller trees in my yard all seem to be in ill health. I've been told by a pretty reliable source that this is the fault of my lovely pine trees. I'm pretty sure there's no chance of having a decent garden in my back yard as long as they are there.

Additionally, most of the pine trees are planted right next to the driveway, which means we are constantly parked in a drop zone for the wonderful sap. Good times.

But the real problem is all the crap they drop on my yard. From the pines, it's literally millions of pine needles all over my yard and roof, as well as way too many pinecones. From the maple, it's those dirty helicopter seeds in the spring.

About a half an hour ago, it all came to a head. I know I had clear my gutter recently (a job that apparently needs done every other day), but I heard a weird sound outside my back door. I switch on the back light and realized water was gushing over the side of the gutter, not flowing to the downspout.

The storm was at its heaviest, so for the 30 seconds I was outside, my reward was soaked clothing.

I thought about leaving it, but checked the radar and saw the rain was to continue all night. If I waited, I might be missing gutters and some siding by morning.

So, when the rain seemed to lighten up, I ventured outside again, got out my trusty ladder (a good move in a lightning storm, I know) and began exploring the gutter.

What d'ya know? It was full of pine needles! Hooray for pine needles!

Now here I was, 1:30 in the morning, clearing my gutters as lighting flashed around me. Luckily, it was only 15 feet or so of the gutter that was in bad shape. But, really, who wants to be out there, even for a few minutes?

And it's all because of those stinkin' trees. Someday -- when the budget allows -- I will get rid of every single one of those things. Now, to all my nature loving friends, don't worry, I will replace them. I will plant a tree in place of each and every one.

Just don't expect me to plant any evergreens or maples. They are now dead to me.

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One of my neighbors has pine trees, the other has maples. I have neither.I'm always sweeping pinecones and needles from the driveway & cleaning sap from the cars. I had a nice miniature maple tree forest growing in my gutters until earlier this week.

I understand your frustration completely...Ugh!!!

-- Posted by ProblemTransmission on Wed, Jun 9, 2010, at 3:33 AM

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Jared Jernagan
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Jared Jernagan is a 2003 graduate of Wabash College and has been in journalism since 2005.
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