Better read this!
This month marks my 30th year in television.
It seems like just yesterday I was nervously standing in front of a camera, not sure which direction to look, unprepared for my segment, babbling away incoherently.
Wait a second -- that was yesterday!
This insight has made me realize that there are countless things in my life I am no better at than when I started on this earth 63 years ago. I say countless, but I'm going to count some of them anyway.
1. Am I a better dresser?
For most of my life, I've been trying to match a shirt with a pair of pants. I still ask my wife before we go out: "Does this look okay?" For our entire marriage she's responded the same way: "You look just fine. Don't you have any other pants?"
2. Am I a better driver?
I figure I've driven at least a million miles, but I still have half the world honking at me to get in my own lane. People still flip me the bird and shake their fist at me, just like the day I got my permit. Five decades -- no improvement.
Don't feel sorry for me. Just get the heck out of my way.
3. Am I a better golfer?
Not by a single stroke.
In fact, I'm worse.
I've wasted 2,000 rounds of golf, 4,000 golf balls, 160,000 swings, and 10,000 expletives.
I'm depressed just writing about this.
But not enough to cancel my tee time.
I'm also no better in bowling, but here's the difference -- I don't care.
4. Do I have a better sense of direction?
When I was a toddler, I got lost in our two-bedroom ranch.
I have gone to the same accountant for 30 years in the same office building. I still don't know which way to turn when I get out of the elevator.
5. Am I a better typist?
I have written a slew of books, hundreds of newspaper articles and thousands of e-mails.
I still have to look at the keys and I'd swear that the J keeps moving.
Am I the only person who composes an entire e-mail and when I finally look up before hitting "send," EVERYTHING IS IN CAPS?
6. Am I a better dancer?
I have always done that gyrating thing where I snap my fingers and every once in a while I turn around.
I still can't do that to the beat. I know I look absolutely ridiculous. The only reason people don't laugh at me is that they are looking at their own feet and doing the exact same thing.
7. Am I better at fixing things?
Nope. I still hire a handyman to fix everything. All that has changed is the price. I now pay $50 an hour. If I offer to help, it's $60 an hour. Sometimes he'll say: "Why do you want to help me? What have I ever done to you?"
8. Am I better at making friends?
I've always had two or three close friends. That has never changed.
The friends keep changing, however. That should tell you something.
9. (This one is none of your business.)
10. Am I a better writer?
Not if you count this column.