A word to the wise

MONDAY: Many people ask me if I polish off a column in one sitting (like I do with Denny's Grand Slam breakfast) or if I dabble with it, like my wife's spinach soufflé.

I've used both methods, but the pressure of completing a story in one day has taken its toll.

I'm not as young or as funny as I used to be.

My column is 600 words each week, so if I take Sundays off and divide by six days, I'd have to write exactly 100 words a day.

Which means I'm done already today.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

TUESDAY: I've been wrestling with whether I am going to count the day of the week at the beginning of the paragraph as part of the exactly 100 words I am going to write each day.

I've decided that I will, because it gives me one less word to write and I am always looking for some new opportunity to skimp on work. As you can tell, I still haven't decided what the column is really about this week, but I believe a really funny idea is about to emerge any second.

Heck, who cares?

I'm finished. Time for lunch.

WEDNESDAY: Okay, here's my idea for this week's humor column.

One of the medications I am now taking lists a major side effect as belching.

When I was a kid that would be the kind of drug we would have all been hooked on because there is nothing funnier than belching in class when you are seven years old.

And then I realized how funny it would be if I took an overdose of that medication as an adult and had to go on TV.

But here's the funniest part: Uh oh, sorry. I'm out of words.

Have a nice ...

THURSDAY: Not sure about that belching idea, after all. Seems awfully sophomoric.

Here's something: I can't sit at the computer and write my weekly column if there are dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.

Or if my bed isn't made.

Nah, that's just too weird, even for me.

Wait, how about this?

My spice rack in the kitchen is arranged alphabetically and I couldn't fall asleep last night because I didn't know if should put the garlic salt under G or S. I could develop that into a full column, but why would I?

It's quitting time. 100 words.

Exactly.

FRIDAY: Thank goodness it's Friday. I could have said TGIF, but why save words?

I'm liking the idea of spreading the writing out each day. The only downside is that this may be the worst column I have ever written.

But it will be exactly 600 words and accuracy is very important.

Sometimes one of the newspaper editors get a little touchy about some obscure grammatical point and next thing you know my lovely double-negative is gone.

So please, editors, don't not not change this sentence because it will mess up my count.

Otherwise, this is another perfect 100.

Yup.

SATURDAY: My column is almost complete for the week.

While you might question why any legitimate newspaper would print this drivel, a few readers may think this is a brilliant piece of creative genius.

That's the wonderful thing about humor. It's so subjective.

Of course, the truth is I didn't write about anything of substance this week because I never sat down long enough to have one good idea.

I was so obsessed with how long each paragraph would be, I forgot to put in any funny lines.

So what.

This is my final 100.

Take my word for it.

For the past 16 years on WISH-TV's Daybreak, Dick Wolfsie has lent his unique brand of wit and humor to the screen. His video essays and personal stories are unique to Indiana television. Many are syndicated nationally.

This former high school and college English teacher has logged over 10,000 hours of television.