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COLUMN: Your one week late midseason football nickname awards
We're now one week past the midway point of the 2013 football season and somehow I haven't given out a single nickname yet. That's a poor effort by me, and it's one that will be rectified immediately.
This worked reasonably well for basketball last year, so I'm going to run it back again for football.
A quick refresher for how the nicknames work:
- If it rhymes or alliterates, that is a major factor. Alliteration is alluring.
- The nickname should sort of describe something about some aspect of how he plays.
- Nicknames can't be longer than the player's actual name, or else there is really no point. If his first name is one syllable, the nickname must be too.
- If I can use old-timey words that have fallen out of favor, that counts for a big bonus.
- Underclassmen get preference because that gives me (and everyone else) a whole extra year of using the nickname.
Here we go:
Grant Bryan; Grant Mundy
Just kidding. Their names are awesome. A good, strong name like that is a daily, unfair advantage over the rest of the world. Just waking up in the morning with the name Grant puts these guys two or three steps ahead of their peers.
I can't imagine how tough it must be for the player who tries to stand up to the relentless power these guys gain from their name. Is that running back really going to be able to break a tackle when Grant has him in his sights? No way. Mine as well just lay down in the backfield. No reason to risk getting struck by someone with such an awe-inspiring name.
Lucas "Fleet Lou" Lorian
This is partly an allusion to "Sweet" Lou Whitaker, the best second baseman in baseball history who is not currently in the Hall of Fame, but it's mostly because Lorian is fleet of foot. He's strong and agile, but when he sees the hole open up, the defense has a fleeting chance of catching him.
Wes "Finer" Riner
This breaks one of my stated rules, and Wes is a pretty slick name in itself, but it does rhyme, which is hugely popular with the kids these days. And Finer works for him. He's the finest pass-catching running back in all the county. Much finer at that specific task than some of those other guys.
Dustin "Wily" Williams
Not unlike the famous cartoon character Wile E. Coyote, Williams always has a plan. Totally unlike the famous cartoon character, Williams's plan always actually works. Wily is bigger, stronger and faster than pretty much everyone he lines up against, but he's also skilled using those things to his advantage.
Plus it alliterates.
Seth "Wax" Brown
I'm not really even sure how I came up with this one. My first thought was something about UPS, since Brown is like and the brown shorts UPS guys wear and all that. But I felt like something about reliably delivering was played out, so I moved on.
Wax is -- deceptively -- an old-timey word people don't really use anymore. Can't you imagine gramps sitting you on his knee and waxing about that time ol' Seth Brown scored all those touchdowns against his team? Or, "Oh boy, did the Tiger Cubs sure wax 'em tonight?" It works great for a nickname, and it's not one I've ever heard used before. I have high hopes.
Andrew "Howdy" Howard
While on the surface this seems like it's about alliteration (it is) and a loose tie to some puppet show from the '50s, it's actually much more clever than that. Watch, I'll show you.
Play-by-play announcer: "Howard runs off tackle, looks to be brought down. No! He breaks free and picks up another 10 yards!"
Opposing player: How'd he do that?
Cloverdale player: Howdy do that.
Jackson "Strict" Szczerbik
No, it's not just because I am scared I'll misspell Szczerbik every time. I am scared of that, and I probably will (sorry in advance, mom and dad Szczerbik), but it's not the only reason. Like a strict teacher, Strict is relentless at getting the most out of himself. He lines up at defensive tackle on every play where most of the time he is outweighed by several hundred pounds, but he gets up and fights.
Jensen "No offensin'" Conlin
His first and last name (sort of) rhyme already. It's like a nicknamer's (not a real word) dream come true. Conlin plays along the defensive line for the Cougars and there is no offensing (not a real word) coming in his direction. It's also possible that he avoids saying offensive things. Or he doesn't and he always says offensive things. That would work, too, because it would be ironic.
Coy "Doll" Flynn
Doll Flynn! Like dolphin! Can't you just see all the Cougar fans holding up dolphins during games and cheering him on? I sure can. Do that, Cougar fans. Hold up dolphins. Better yet, dress up as dolphins. Plus, doll has some of those old-timey connotations I talked about. Who says "I'm going to doll up tonight and where my finest trousers" anymore? Not me. Not you.
Fin.