Ain't got no body

I started reading Golf Digest when I was in high school with the hope I could increase my scoring average. It didn't help, so I finally cancelled my subscription last year. Same with Playboy.

I was browsing through the magazine rack at a local bookstore and saw the October issue of Mess magazine. Actually, it was Muscle and Fitness magazine, but Arnold Schwarzen-egger's photo was positioned in front of the publication's name and his huge head blocked out all but four letters. In one of the articles, the former governor and body builder (who has graced the cover countless times and is now the executive editor) refers frequently to loving his MF magazine, not quite the charm as the abbreviation for Gentlemen's Quarterly.

In small print at the bottom of the magazine's cover is a note that states the picture of the world's most famous body builder has not been digitally enhanced in any way and that the muscular arms shown are 100 percent the result of Arnold's efforts. The same cannot be said of his face, which is 50 percent the work of his plastic surgeon. The cover also says that on page 57 you will learn how to add one inch to your own arms. That interested me because right now I am just shy of reaching the crock pot on the top shelf in the kitchen. I began skimming the pages and noticed that men refer to their beefed-up biceps as their "guns." And that is why they believe in the right to bear arms.

Editor-in-chief Shawn Perine also heralds the importance of a good mental attitude when it comes to physical fitness. "All growth starts with your head," says Shawn, evident by the Terminator's noggin on the front cover.

In another section, fitness guru Jay Cutler fields questions about the most effective exercises for achieving a rock hard body. "I favor 'dips' as a great mass builder," says Jay. A similar result can be achieved by any dip with a sour cream base. Jon Jones, another physique freak who writes for MF reports that his favorite workouts are the Bulgarian Split Squat, the Keiser Push Pull and the Glute Hamstring Raise. Why he doesn't include the Sumo Squat Stretch is simply a mystery to me.

The pages are also full of ads for bodybuilding supplements. Choose from among Jet Fuel, Beast Amphetalin, Horsepower X, Shock Therapy and my favorite: Hemo Rage. Not only is it an effective nutritional supplement but it's soon to be a major motion picture.

Food, if it can be called that, is heavily advertised in the monthly periodical. The culinary delight that really intrigued me was smoked tofu. Bodybuilders are not generally into eating tofu, so they smoke it, instead.

In the last article, there is a question-and-answer feature with Arnold, who is now in his sixties. He admits he doesn't enjoy working with a big dumbbell, anymore. Coincidently, this is exactly why, when Arnold was governor of CalEEEfornia, his first chief of staff quit after two months.