Honest to goodness, tourism slogan no 'Wander Indiana'

By now, you've probably heard all the consternation over the new Indiana tourism slogan.

Honest to Goodness Indiana. Yep, honest to goodness, that's it.

Somewhere I'm sure the committee members that once put "Wander" on our license plates are high-fiving and chest-bumping, telling each other, "See, I told you there would be a worse idea."

Whatever happened to the simple, time-honored, tried-and-true "Hoosier Hospitality" as our motto?

The other morning we were watching "Good Morning America," intrigued as most everyone has been, by the missing Malaysian jetliner saga. And just as I was beginning to wonder if the story would somehow produce an Indiana angle, I was not disappointed.

Planes, trains and automobiles are apparently searching for the missing jet in an area -- wait for it -- the "size of Indiana," some intrepid TV reporter offered. Honest to goodness.

Hmm, not an area the size of Iowa or Nebraska or Wyoming, but Indiana. Lucky us.

Any second I expected the obligatory TV news clip of the Hoosier man on the street, complete with Duck Dynasty beard and dentalwork, sounding as if he'd just wandered down from Porter Ridge.

It's as if the national media can't wait to insult us. TV news teleprompters must be carrying some notation like "insert Indiana joke here."

That's why it hurts so much when we shoot ourselves in the foot with a slogan like "Wander Indiana" or "Honest to Goodness Indiana."

Sure, Honest to Goodness Indiana was meant to convey that the state is full of authentic people, places and things. Warm smiles, firm handshakes, genuine personalities. Honest to goodness.

It's supposed to help "create a brand that truly represents the entire state, respectful of Indiana's history but forward looking and fitting for both rural and urban settings." That's the press release talking.

But to the general public -- "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" -- the slogan seems to scream, "G-o-l-l-l-y" like Gomer in his uneducated glory, while unceremoniously putting the bumpkin in our country atmosphere.

Honest to goodness, really, that's the best thing they could come up with? I'm sure some PR firm somewhere raked in six figures for that idea.

You have to wonder though, what possibly could have been their other options? So glad you asked.

Honest to goodness, we have managed to secure a top-secret list of rejected Indiana tourism slogan options. Here we go ...

-- Indiana, does anybody really know what time it is?

-- Indiana, yea, that's spaghetti in our chili.

-- Heck ya, we have wineries.

-- Indiana wants me? Lord, I can't go back there.

-- More than corn in Indiana? Sure, we've got beans, too.

-- From Terre Haute to Richmond with a thousand restrooms in between.

-- Indiana, not just a fly-over state, but a drive-through too.

-- Indiana, more than just that speed bump between Chicago and Louisville.

-- Indiana, at least we're not Mississippi.

-- See Brazil, Peru, Mecca, Milan and Versailles while you're here.

-- Y'uns come back (as they say south of 40)!

-- Indiana, stuck in the middle with you.

-- James Dean, David Letterman and Charles Manson slept here.

-- We (heart) Dillinger.

-- Indiana, we're like the Hotel California: You can check in, but you can never leave.

-- Hey, we have an arch, too ... along every Indiana railroad.

-- Indiana, if you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere.

-- Indiana, where the wind comes sweeping down the turbined plain.

-- Indiana, the Green State (Greencastle, Greenfield, Greenwood, Greentown, Greensburg, you get it).

-- Next stop, Porter Ridge.

-- Indiana, where yes, we named a place Carp.

-- Indiana, where South Bend is north and North Vernon is south.

-- Consider these chuckholes your Indiana Kodak moment.

-- Wander? Heck no, stick to the interstates.

All things considered, maybe that new Indiana tourism slogan is starting to grow on me ...

Honest to goodness.