Letter to the Editor

A taxpayer’s lament

Thursday, October 20, 2016

To the Editor:

I have always suspected that I was a chump and a loser, but it wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I realized the full magnitude of my stupidity. For my entire working life, I have paid income taxes -- even when I was in high school working in a shoe store. As my income climbed over the years, the tax percentage went up and up. Like a moron, I paid the full rate.

My employers reported my income directly to the IRS, so I couldn’t hide a penny of it; as a mere working stiff, I couldn’t write off my lunches, my car, my clothes and my hairdresser as business expenses. Pathetic!

By failing to keep Uncle Sam’s greedy mitts off my earnings, I failed in my fiduciary duty to my family and future heirs, and let my taxes be wasted on national defense, schools, clean air and water, medical research and programs to keep the old and poor from starving. What a schmuck I am!

It gets worse. When I gave modest amounts of money to charity, I stupidly took it out of my own pocket. If I’d been a winner, I would have started the Miller Foundation, bamboozled some wealthy social climbers into writing checks, and then taken credit for generosity while using Other People’s Money.

When I hired contractors and repairmen, I actually paid them the full amount that they billed me, instead of declaring their work shoddy and stiffing them. How dumb is that?

If I’d been really, really smart, I would have borrowed billions, screwed the banks and creditors by declaring bankruptcy, and reported a loss of $916 million in one year, so I’d never have to pay income taxes again, even while I lived like Caligula.

Thankfully, there is now hope for losers like me. When Donald Trump Makes America Great Again, we will all get the same tax breaks as billionaires, real-estate investors and corporations, and win so much that we will get bored of winning.

You can tell by studying his life how much Mr. Trump cares about the little people, even if we’re not geniuses like him.

Dan Miller


(With acknowledgment to William Falk, editor-in-chief, The Week)