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Friday, May 24, 2013
CutleryPosted Tuesday, April 26, 2011, at 8:55 PM
When one of my coworkers sent me word today that Jay Cutler proposed to Kristin Cavallari in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, my response came swiftly. It went something like this:
NFL.com is reporting that just before the ring reached Cavallari's outstretched hands, Charles Woodson swooped in from nowhere, grabbed it, and is still running with it northbound on the Baja California Peninsula. Devin Hester is in hot pursuit.
Caleb Hanie is warming up on the sideline.
I'm betting the diamond was a marquee cut. Cutler can't seem to deliver anything with a football shape where it belongs.
Of course, that was just me being my smart alec self. On the other hand, I never can let a good joke just die, so my mind got to wandering. With the chance of no football this year, Cutler and the rest of the guys in the league could have a lot of free time on their hands.
Why not go right up his bride-to-be's alley and make a reality show?
What I'm envisioning is a "Punk'd" type of show, so the ball's already in the court of Cavallari's network, MTV.
It seems to me that in everything Cutler does in life, there must always be a chance of it being foiled by some smart defender.
He won't be able to play catch with his kids in the back yard without Darren Sharper running in and breaking it up.
So why not make a show of Cutler going about his life and getting foiled by NFL defenders?
Maybe in one scene, Cutler and Cavallari have pulled up to a fancy restaurant. The QB is just about to hand the keys off to the valet when Darrelle Revis appears, snatches the keys and takes off in Cutler's car.
In another scene, Cutler has just checked into a hotel. He gets to his room, gets a 20 out of his wallet to hand to the bellhop. Just before the handoff, Nnamdi Asomugha runs up the hall and bats the bill to the floor, dancing over the stunned bellhop.
Another restaurant scene could involve Cutler taking his offensive lineman out to dinner, as QBs are wont to do. An hour and a half after the order is placed, a visibly angry Olin Kreutz gets up to demand an answer, only to find the entire Packers front seven, two tables over, enjoying the Bears' meal.
Perhaps my favorite idea is of romantic music playing as Cutler leans in, eyes closed, for a kiss with his sweetie, only to have Troy Polamalu step in and plant a sloppy one right on him.
(You have to admit, Polamalu has better hair than Cavallari.)
But these are just the beginning ideas. I'm sure the geniuses at MTV have better and more ideas than I do. We have to find a way to get DeAngelo Hall involved and get him to fool Cutler on the same scheme four times in a row.
I guess getting Cutler to make a fool of himself on national TV could be a tough sell, but what does he really think he does on the field every week?
...and the beat goes on...
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Jared Jernagan is a 2003 graduate of Wabash College and has been in journalism since 2005. Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz and Lucille LeSueur have never been in his kitchen.